Right  now my hopes are flirting past wishing and imagination onto borderline self-pity. This heart is hard to explain. I'm fully aware that there is none like Jesus...he meets me where and when no one can. Becca had her baby, Brooke moved to Lancaster & is getting married a week from today, Becky moved back to Philly, my sister is busy with family-life, West Chester friends remain there while I'm here, and there's a handful of others I'd love to be near but for certain reasons remain unseen. It's definitely an exciting time of wonderful change...but at the same time, change can be really hard for me to get used to. It's one of those times that the only best friend that seems to always be around is the only best friend I've ever needed all along.

Randomness...

I'm awaiting the arrival of my new digital camera. I've been without one since January when the shutter of my Sony decided to stop opening for good. It's arriving in the mail anyday & I can't wait to just drive around for hours to my favorite places and capture bits of His beauty.

Last night, I celebrated my birthday early over dinner & champagne with the Hensingers & Ryan. We went for our first night swim in their new pool. What I loved even more than that was laying on the chase lounge by the poolside listening to the laughter of my best friends, watching the blackened backdrop of trees glitter with hundreds of fireflies. It was like a mini fireworks display. And we all know how I feel about fireworks.

Oh how I only share halfheartedly with you, my fellow myspacers/stalkers ;) I'm in a valley. This season of my life is so exciting yet so painfully uncomfortable sometimes. The best and worst is nights like last night. Being unable to share something so beautiful. oh and then to top it off, I went home to sleep & had the most awful nightmare that continued on, getting worse with each time I fell back asleep...and by 6 oclock I just wanted to call my best friend for comfort...but i held my phone blankly, praying until I fell back asleep because I just can't call certain friends for comfort like I used to. Life's like that. Season's are changing...

My birthday is in a week. You know what I'd like? A bouquet of roses and a handful of sparklers. And maybe some cupcakes with candles (the confetti kind of course.) I'm not too hard to please. okay & maybe a trip to the beach...oh and the new dashboard cd that arrives on my birthday. perfect timing. we can listen to that on the way to the beach.

My life song right now:

*The pathway is broken & the signs are unclear & I don't know the reasons why you brought me here. But just because you love me the way that you do, I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.

'Cuz I'm not who I was when I took my first step & I'm clinging to the promise, you're not through with me yet. So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if you want me to.

It may not be the way that I would've chosen, when you lead me through a world that's not my own. But You never said it would be easy, You only said I'll never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me & I'm all by myself and I can't hear you answer my cries for help - I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through & I will go through the valley if you want me to.* - Ginny Owens.

Currently Listening United We Stand By Hillsong United see related

- None but Jesus

Every day is different than the last. With each new day, I grow a little bit more. Sometimes I leap forward, sometimes I take a couple steps back. There are trials. There is patience being learned on an entirely new level. I think it to be divine that as I studied peace, it was reinforced so evidently in my life through circumstance. Following peace, I am learning patience in such incredible and uncomfortable ways.

The other day I drove to Lake – and while I’m not sure I went there to clear my mind or to flood my mind – I ended up having a really great time with my Creator who knows me and is so real with me…and blessed me with His beauty. My senses were overwhelmed. Sounds of birds singing their songs, flopping fish, insects dancing along the crest of the dazzling water, warmth & coolness meshing as the thunder rolled overhead, & the breeze dancing past my face as I sat on an old, familiar bench…all of creation, so carefully woven & spun…evident fingerprints of my Creator…he’s working on this heart of mine. Where the sand met the water, there were about 10 butterflies all grouped together and, at once, flew off together & I took a mental picture of its simplicity & beauty. There’s something about moments like that…that are just better when they are shared. But, like those butterflies, I’ve stretched from my cocoon and am finding freedom, learning to fly…

I sat by myself for awhile on that bench that afternoon, hugging my knees, as leaves overhead protected me from the raindrops. After lots of reflection & prayer, I flipped open my journal and my devotional only to see that the next fruit of the spirit that I’m studying is patience. What a “coincidence”. Peace and patience?? No one knows me better than God & he surely knows just how to stretch me where I need it most. These aren’t the easiest concepts to learn and gain in my life, especially with the thoughts that have been stirring…but I’m learning & I’m seeing in me now things I never saw before…I’m finding a new appreciation for lots of things, old & new.

Then there was tonight. And I don’t know why I do this to myself…whether it’s actually beneficial - in search of healing or hope, I don’t know…but I drove to the coffeeshop, consumed my cup of chamomile tea, and hid from the commotion around me. After dropping Becky off, I “got stuck” as the train came. I rolled down my windows, and blasted my new favorite song. By the moonlight and blinking red, I watched the train slip away into the blackness, and battling the sounds of the train & the memories, I was singing out a new song…with words that echo everything in my heart at this moment.

“In the quiet, in the stillness – I know that You are God,

In the secret of your presence – I know there I am restored.

There is no one else for me – none but Jesus,

Crucified to set me free, now I live to bring Him praise.

In the chaos, in confusion – I know You’re sovereign still,

In the moment of my weakness – You give me grace to do Your will.

So when You call, I won’t delay…”

God, you know this heart. You know my feelings and my thoughts. When I think I know me and when I have no idea who I am, you know me better & it’s in You that I place my trust and my hope…I find peace & patience in You alone. I lay my every burden and fear and doubt at the foot of your throne, giving it all to You…knowing that You are sovereign & you are God and, regardless of how overwhelmed I am by circumstance, there is nothing that you can’t handle. All my hopes, all my dreams, all of me…and you love me the same….regardless of my decisions, or how many times I mess up. You have enough grace to still answer me when I call out to You. I know that I’m being prepared for something big. My heart is stirring and I’m filling up with discontent and wonder and excitement…and I can’t help but feel that I’m beginning my summer at home, this season in my life, that is being filled with moments and trials and lessons that are acting as the strings and melodies…some beautiful, some dissonant…but all weaving together to build up to this huge, beautiful crescendo of God’s unfolding plan.

Currently Listening A Collision By David Crowder Band see related

He set me on fire, I am burning alive. With this breath in my lungs, I am coming undone. You are my joy. You are my joy. You are my joy. YOU ARE MY JOY!

God’s been stretching me so much these past weeks through a variety of trials and circumstances. And with these growing pains, God has instilled in me such a huge peace that could only come from God alone. Coincidentally, I’ve been studying peace in my Beth Moore study & have been so blessed by his abundance of peace that transcends all understanding as he gives us more than we could ask or imagine! I must share it with you and I encourage you to study the passages as well!

Portraits of Peace

I.                    Christ had peace in aloneness

a.       Luke 2:41-52

b.      Christ utilized a unique & effect teaching method – He used His surroundings as visual aids to teach the precepts of God in a manner His listeners could understand. He taught by asking questions.

c.       In most 12-year-olds, bravery dissipates quickly when the sun goes down, but not in Christ. He was all alone yet he found himself in perfect peace.

II.                 Christ had peace in provision

a.       John6:1-15

                                                               i.      Jesus made the people aware of their need

                                                             ii.      He took what little they had

                                                            iii.      He placed them in a posture to rest in His provision. He commanded them to “sit down” & fed only those who were “seated” (v.10-11)

                                                           iv.      He gave them “immeasurably more” than they could “ask or imagine” (eph. 3:20)

                                                             v.      **Is there a need you’ve placed before your Provider? Have you “given” Him ALL you have to offer, even if it’s only a few loaves and fish? Are you “sitting down” in a posture of trust and sitting quietly to receive it? If so, prepare the baskets.

III.               Christ had peace in the storm

a.       Matthew 14:22-33

b.      First, Christ purposely created circumstances in which He could reveal His majesty.

c.       Christ did not run to their rescue – He walked! Just picture the contrast: Christ approaches at a nice & easy pace while the disciples are scurrying and screaming, “It’s a ghost!”

                                                               i.      The presence of Christ in our circumstances is our only reason not to fear!

d.      Why couldn’t Peter stay afloat through the power of Christ Jesus? Because Peter switched his focus to his circumstances while Christ remained tightly focused on His destination. Then came Peter’s fear…the same kind of fear that binds weights to our ankles & submerges us in the waves of surrounding circumstances.

e.       I believe it noteworthy that God parted the Red Sea for Moses and the Jordan River for Joshua, but when the Master of the seas approached, He simply climbed the waves & walked. Christ didn’t change His circumstances to make them bearable. He mastered them at the peak of their impossibility.

IV.              Christ had peace in the wait

a.       John 11

b.      Jesus waited until a crowd had gathered at Mary and Martha’s home so that many would “put their faith in him” (v. 45). Christ was peaceful in the wait. He waited thousands of years to become flesh and dwell among us. He waited 30 years to begin His earthly ministry. He waited until Lazarus was cold and decaying before He raised Him from the dead. And we must learn to wait as He does.

                                                               i.      Profit in waiting: Isaiah 64:4

V.                 Christ had peace in tears

a.       Verse 33-35

b.      He “demonstrated His own love” with tears of anguish, yet all the while His peac remained.

c.       Peace is the absence of fear and turmoil. Peace is not the absence of pain and grief.

d.      Perhaps right now you are walking through a time when the obvious actions of Christ in your behalf seem inconsistent with His professed love for you. Oh, Beloved, can you see today that it is quite consistent with our Savior to:   

-go for the greater glory

-have us be void of all other explanations

-wait until many surround us who may put their faith in Him?

*If you believe Him, He will show you His glory. Guaranteed.

VI.              Christ has peace in death

a.       John 18:1-11 à He had to walk through the “valley of the shadow of death,” placing death &the grave beneath His feet before He was able to return to the Mount of Olives as King of kings and Lord of lords, the reigning PRINCE OF PEACE!

b.      That Christ knew who would betray him (Judas) and never treated Judas any differently is beyond my comprehension.

                                                               i.      **It is possible to be in intimate gatherings with Christ, hear His teaching, and see His power before our very eyes-and be lost. Only at our invitation can Christ surgically open the blocked artery that connects the head to the heart.

c.       600 men drew back and fell to the ground (v. 6) because the God of all creation, El Elyon, the Sovereign and Supreme Most High God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, stood before them in living, breathing flesh and uttered His perfect, divine, and holy name: “I AM!”

d.      The authorities did not take Christ’s life from Him; He was laying it down. From the time Christ suffered, bled, died, & then rose from the dead, He has greeted us with the most liberating words known to spiritual humanity: “Peace be with you!” Praise His name! My heart pounds within me…Lord, I want your peace!

                                                               i.      The filling of the Holy Spirit releases the glorious power of His peace.

Currently Listening Final Straw By Snow Patrol see related

1:31pm, Monday afternoon & I'm in bed for over 24 hours now...feeling pretty sick after staying out all night at the global night commute. One of the best/worst nights of my life. I have never in my life been SO cold. So cold that I woke up crying and threw up. Oops. haha...I've seen friendships been proven, that's for sure. gross. Until it got late and cold, it was a great time tho...Great people together for a great cause. (www.invisiblechildren.com).

I'm covered in work, over my head, and don't know if I'll even come out of this room for at least two days. Augh. When it rains it pours...

But I can say this...as much as God has given & taken away in this past week....He is so good to me & knows what's best for me...and, like Job, I will praise His name.

In one week I'll be homebound...spending time and living with my bestest until she gets married...and soaking up some summer sun. Oh how I look forward to that...won't be long now.......

Currently Listening Heartbreaker By Ryan Adams see related

I know it's been months since I've posted & there's oh-so-much to catch you up on...but only the last two days will be the focus of this blog. They've been filled with beautiful God-filled moemnts and surprises and I can't help but want to share them with you. Sit back, relax, and throw in some popcorn...this is a long read. 

Yesterday, I came to this place where I was just so broken-hearted over matters that stemmed to a much-bigger issue that I have been pushing off for quite some time. God convicted me of these and I am beginning a healing process. I struggle and battle with a weakness that is prominant in so many (especially girls) - looking up and seeing the standards of perfected beauty & feeling so far from ever measuring up. And I know that God made me beautiful in so many ways but it's still often a very real struggle. And yesterday God met me in a special way to reassure me just how I needed it...

Emotionally drained, I drove off campus and decided to get lost in the East Goshen park...finding some park bench underneath the sun and just dig in the Word and journal for a bit. I got to the park for the first time and drove around until I found this cute gazebo that was set back in a field surrounded by woods and dandelions and people walking their dogs during their lunchbreaks. I parked farther than normal just to walk through the sunshine & sat down taking in the beauty of my surroundings. My ears were greeted with calls from different birds and the grass and flowers stood tall, chiming right in, fully displaying God's beautiful creation. I couldn't believe how many dandelions had taken over the field that I sat in...but it hit me - yes, everyone usually seeds these tiny yellow flowers as weeds and pests...but the way their brightness peeked through the ground, made me smile. How similar am I to those dandelions? This heart of mine can be such a "weed" & I would understand if God would just want to pluck me out of the ground and toss me to the wind...but He doesn't. He allows me to grow. He gives me life and allows me to spread brightness. He sees this "dandelion" as beautiful.

(side note: to top all of that off, my Beth Moore study was on joy and restoration.....God is so good...and He knows just what I need, when I need)

Oh, it's not over. So, today...was just a fun day. I actually really enjoyed both of my classes. I got a lot of work done for my online class. I also cleaned up my tiny room, spent time with my roomate, and made plans to go to Sprazzo for coffee with Allison. Her & I always get together Wednesday night for coffee and so we can do our devotions together. That's been such a blessing to me! (Another way that God has provided!) So! Tonight, we got dinner downtown & ate outside (my favorite thing to do here in WC)...and then made our way to Sprazzo. Tonight, my devotions were centered around the first three chapters of Job. That which really stuck out to me was this:

-We need to be constantly on guard because: Satan roams around the Earth going back and forth in it with a desire to sift through us like wheat. (Job 1:7, Luke 22:31)

-Job, a man who had everything from family and riches, lost everything as Satan got rid of all of his "externals" after gaining permission from God...and still, in Job 1:21, he cried out - "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." And then when Job's body began to be taken away and even his wife dared him to curse the Lord & die, He proclaimed, "Shall we accept good from God & not trouble?!" What a testimony!! Amen!

(I applaud you if you're still reading this far, by the way...)

Those two things impressed my heart so greatly!!! Now, during the entire time that I was reading and doing my devotional, I glanced outside the upstairs window of Sprazzo & saw this little homeless woman on the bench, wrapped in blankets for the night. As we left, I really felt burdened to go offer to buy her some dinner or something to drink. So Allison & I went over & long-story-somewhat-short...we ended up talking with her for about an hour. Here, she's a born-again Christian with quite a story to tell & we got to pray with her and get to know her a bit. I prayed for her that God would just keep his hand of protection over her. As we "amened" - a man came over, dressed in his business-best, but knelt beside her and let her know that he, along with many sheriffs and undercover detectives, have been personally keeping an eye out for her. God is faithful! And that which stood out to me from Job..."You give & take away, Lord blessed be Your name"....stood so true from this woman and was truly the cry of her heart!

I hope you are as encouraged in reading this as I've been by our God over the past two days. I am so blessed that he wants to know me on an intimate level...and that he claims this dandelion & blesses me when I least deserve it.

Blessed be Your name...